Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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