im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
