I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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