Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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