its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
