I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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