is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
