I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
This beer is not sobering me up at all
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I use my feet as sexual weapons
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
