He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
