Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
