Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize
