Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
