I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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