mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
