I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
