My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
