this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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