When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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