If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
