I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
"it" just moved
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
