today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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