totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
