Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
