Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
