worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
