The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
