watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
