At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
