i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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