I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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