I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
