Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
