chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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