I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
