apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
