I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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