dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
