one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
