I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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