We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
