I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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