I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
