update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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