I feel great
I just peed on a car
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
