respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
