I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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