i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
