A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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