This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
