I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
